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The Santa Monica Star, Volume II, Number 4, April/May 2002
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Q: It's been about 3 months since I've given birth to my daughter, Christine, and I am starting to feel a bit isolated since my husband and friends are gone all day at work. I feel like I should be happy since I just had a baby. Is this normal or is there something wrong with me?
A: Starting a family is a major life transition. We certainly don't expect to experience any negative feelings after our bundle of joy has arrived. Yet, with all the changes our bodies go through, the sleep deprivation that comes with caring for an infant, and the lifestyle adjustment can all contribute to feelings we don't expect. You may be experiencing a sort of "culture shock" as you realize that the days of getting your entire "To Do" list done in one day are over. By talking to other Moms, you will see that you are not the only one who is going through this.
What you are doing at home with Christine is so critical, that you need all the strength and support you can get. If you notice that your feelings of isolation are also accompanied by feelings of sadness, lethargy, or apathy and/or if you find yourself unable or unwilling to take care of yourself or the baby, these are warning signs indicating the possibility of a more serious problem. If this is the case, please call either your medical doctor and/or a health care professional immediately to get the treatment you need.
In the meantime, I encourage you to get out of the house with Christine at least once a day. Whether it's a stroll around the neighborhood, an exercise class or a trip to a Mommy and Me class, getting out and about can go a long way to diminishing your feelings of isolation. Fortunately, here in L.A., we have a wide variety of classes to choose from. Two of my personal favorites are the Santa Monica YMCA and the Santa Monica Mom's Club. The Pump Station is also a wonderful resource for new Moms. There are also parent education classes at Emerson Adult Learning Center in Westchester. If I can be of any further assistance, I can be reached at (310) 493-1553.
Vera Eck, M.F.T., is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Santa Monica.
For more information, email
veraeck@gmail.com
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The Santa Monica Star, Volume II, Number 5, May/June 2002
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Q: My mother-in-law constantly interferes whenever I have to discipline my son, Thomas. I know she means well, but sometimes I feel like she's undermining my efforts. Moreover, my husband doesn't take my side. What can I do about this?
A: Though you are concerned primarily about your mother-in-law, the best person to begin with is your husband. Is he aware that he doesn't "take your side?" Does he prefer his Mom's approach to yours? Or is he just agreeing with her because it's easier for him? These are questions only he can answer.
To have a productive dialogue about this, make an "appointment" with him to discuss your concerns at a time when you both can give each other quality attention. At that time, approach him with genuine curiosity and objectively describe what is bothering you. For example, "when your mother interferes with my disciplining Thomas, I notice that you agree with her. Can you tell me more about that?" might better get his attention than a confrontational statement like "You never take my side!" This way, you describe what you see instead of attack his behavior. Thus, he is much more likely to hear what you say and respond productively. Next, explain how his alignment with his mother makes you feel and tell him specifically how you would like his support. If you haven't already, this would also be a good time for the two of you to review your parenting techniques and work towards a united approach.
Now you are ready to confront your mother-in-law. With your husband's support, it will be much easier to do this. Make an "appointment" with her so as to avoid discussing this during the heat of the moment. Start off by saying some positive things about how much you appreciate her concern, how you're glad your son has his grandmother so close by, etc., making sure that your comments are sincere. Next, let her know that as much as you know she is trying to be helpful, you and your husband have already agreed on how to parent your son and that you would appreciate her supporting your efforts. Perhaps she might benefit from a philosophical discussion as to why you chose the parenting style that you did and how you feel your child will benefit from it. If you draw your approach from any of the popular books, share them with her and educate her as to the success of the technique that you and your husband have chosen. Chances are that she might be stuck in the past and wanting to adhere to some old methods that have long been outdated. If you can, approach her with compassion, as she is only doing what she thinks is best for her grandson.
If, after all these rational discussions, you still find that neither your husband nor your mother-in-law take heed to your requests, perhaps it is an indication that there are other issues that need to be addressed. In Family Systems Therapy, when 3 people create an unhealthy pattern of relating, it is called "triangulation." This often occurs to distract from more serious issues that are being avoided. If you think this is the case, then it would be a good time to make an appointment for either couples counseling or family therapy with your mental health practitioner. If you have any more questions about this or any other relationship issues, I can be contacted at (310) 493-1553.
Vera Eck, M.F.T., is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Santa Monica.
For more information, email
veraeck@gmail.com
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The Santa Monica Star, Volume II, Number 6, June/July 2002
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Q: My baby is 6 months old and is waking up in the middle of the night now more than ever. During the day, I am so tired, I can barely function. I am especially concerned because I am returning to work in 2 months and know that I will not be able to handle my job if I feel like this. What can I do?
A: Sleep deprivation is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting and, I'm sorry to say, is not exclusive to parents of infants. It behooves us to get a grip on this exhausting issue early on so that we learn how to minimize its impact on our lives. There are many reasons for children of all ages to wake up in the middle of the night. A review of the current literature today will confirm that if a child is waking up at night there is either a physical or an emotional need that must be met. I can't tell you how many times I begrudgingly dragged myself into my kids' room to check on the crying child to discover that they had either thrown up, were beginning a fever, or were terrified of the monster in the closet. It is at those 3 a.m. moments that I am very grateful that I never had the heart to Alet them cry it out. It is my personal and professional belief that crying expresses pain and that as parents it is our job to address it, no matter what time of day or night.
There are dozens of books written on the subject of Ahow to get your baby to sleep through the night. I like to categorize the advice into a political spectrum. There are the books on the Left which advocate the family bed and nursing on demand and there are the books on the Right which advocate letting the baby cry it out increasingly longer every night. If you don't know where your parenting politics lie, you may need to experiment with different techniques to find out what's most comfortable for you.
A good Centrist place to begin with is "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" by Tracy Hogg. Not only does she accurately inform about sleep cycles and how to facilitate them, but she also gives specific information regarding how and when to best put your child to sleep. The main point she stresses is that falling asleep and staying asleep is a teachable skill and that we want our babies to become self-soothers. If a child learns to associate falling asleep with nursing, rocking, or strolling, then that is what that child will need every time to go to sleep. Whereas if they learn how to suck their thumbs, cuddle a blankie and/or drift off to music, then they are more likely to soothe themselves back to sleep every time they cycle through their nighttime REM cycles (approximately every 45 minutes). And, of course, when baby sleeps, then Mommy sleeps.
While you are still suffering the ill effects of sleep deprivation, it is very important to take care of yourself. Take heed to those precious words of wisdom that say Asleep when your baby sleeps. Accept every single offer you get for babysitting, strolling, laundry, cooking, errands, etc. Additionally, do not be shy; ask people to help you: neighbors, friends, family. This is the time to build up your support system. Even if your neighbor can take the baby for a 1 hour stroll, that could amount to a precious 1 hour nap for you (do not clean up!). If you're not already familiar with the miracle of the midday nap, then you really need to take one to find out. And, of course, hired help is always available. From doulas, to housekeepers, to babysitters, L.A. is full of experienced professional caregivers. Indulge! You need it. If you have any further questions, I can be reached at (310) 493-1553.
Vera Eck, M.F.T., is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Santa Monica.
For more information, email
veraeck@gmail.com
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